I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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