I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
Randomize
