I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
third nipple confirmed
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
