her vagine was all disorganized.
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
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