I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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