Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Randomize
