we have pet lesbian snakes
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
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