Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
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