Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
