I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
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