M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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