yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
