We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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