Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
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