If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
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