Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Do you have feelings for this penis?
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
