I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
