Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
23 People Reveal The Worst Culture Shock They’ve Ever Experienced While Traveling
Did I show you my penis last night?
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
27 People Confess Their Proudest Fap
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.