I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..