Please, let me fuck your mom
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
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