I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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