I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
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