i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
Canada is now making docos about life in America. Its called Trailer Park Boys.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
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