i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
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