I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
