Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
