This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Banned from zoo.
Again?
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
