I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
Randomize
