It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
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