I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Randomize
