I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
