forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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