So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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