Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Randomize
