yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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