saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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