Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Randomize
