I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I have aggressive nipples.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
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