you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Sacagawea was the original milf.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
21 Ladies Reveal The Sexiest Thing A Man Can Do In A Public Setting
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
These 19 Underage Drinkers Epicly Got By With A Horrible Fake ID
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.