Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
