DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
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