You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Randomize
