four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
Randomize
