i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
