Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
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