Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
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