Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Randomize
