well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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