I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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