She's JV to your varsity
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
