Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
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