She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
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