I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
it's too hot outside to masturbate.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
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