You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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