Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
