Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
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