using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
