Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Randomize
