He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
