Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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