Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
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